Hoovering - Another Narcissistic Tool

Hoovering – Have you ever heard that term? And no I’m not talking about how clean your carpets are . Hoovering is a new term to me , so I was curious as to whether I was the only person who has experienced it but never knew there was an actual term for it . Hello 21st century where someone somewhere will have a term for just about anything and everything that has ever happened in your life if you are in the platinum dancers generation- even that has a million and one references now , we are no longer satisfied with being known as middle aged God forbid someone should insinuate that we are the older generation.

Back to the topic, Hoovering – what is it ? So psychology today’s definition of hoovering is –

A manipulation tactic used to suck victims back into toxic relationship cycles. Someone who hoovers fears that their target will ‘get away’ from them, so they may engage in love bombing, feigning crisis, stalking or smear campaigns in order to suck up all the targets time, energy and attention. Hoovering is all about forcing engagement by any means necessary with someone who would prefer to disengage.

When I read those words I got goosebumps , no kidding. A total mind blowing moment of holy cow, this is real, this is not my imagination, I shared the post with a friend who is currently going through this horrible ordeal and she like I thought that this was more about us than them. How is it as women no matter the situation we always begin with looking at ourselves , we are very self critical looking for fault from within.

This is one subject where this is not the case. This is a tool that narcissists use to draw the unsuspecting victim back into the nest when they are almost free from the situation. Does this ring bells with you yet ? They have a skill for making their victims feel at fault even when they are intelligent individuals who would never fall for this behaviour with a co worker or a friend or anyone else for that matter, yet with their significant other it seems that release from the toxic relationship is almost impossible.

What’s that quote ? – 'you can’t see the big picture when you’re in the frame.' Something along those lines anyhow, and it is so true. Have a friend tell you what they are going through and if you’re a good friend you will be the first to advise them to pack a bag and leave, yet when the stillhetto is on the other foot , you are the victim even though you can’t see it, you always come up with reasons, excuses and justification as to why you continue to accept the abuse that you accept as your normal.

Hoovering is a form of emotional abuse, yet the victim is oblivious to how serious this is because it becomes their normal it is almost an expectation . So what are some examples of hoovering ?

· Threatening Suicide if you don’t do what they want

· Stating they will come to your house if don’t respond to their texts

· Lavishing you with gifts in an effort to lure you back into the toxic relationship.

· Lying about your behaviour to get your attention

· Becoming overly apologetic and trying to promise changed behaviour.

· Alternating between ghosting and constant contact

· Making intense proclamations of Love and closeness

Narcissistic behaviour has many triggers to different kinds of toxic behaviour , however the narcissistic hoovering is caused by the narcissists need for power, control, validation, admiration and reassurance. A narcissist uses hoovering to reassure their fragile sense of self, suppress their negative emotions and fulfil their insecure needs – Elijah Aikin – Unfiltered.net

Regardless of the scenario, hoovering is one of the clearest manifestations of a narcissist’s insecure need for power.

Xx Lei

Narcissists don’t argue to resolve conflicts, they argue to create more conflict – Wedbook.in